It’s Time To Say
“NO”
Published by Gretchen Netterfield at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Gretchen Netterfield
Thank you for downloading this free ebook. Although this is a free book, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy at Smashwords.com, where they can also discover other works by this author. Thank you for your support.
Contents
Chapter Four: Saying “No” ground rules
Chapter Five: What to do when your assertiveness is ignored
Chapter Six: Protecting yourself
Chapter Seven: Links and resources
Chapter One: Not enough time
Sound familiar? The first thing to do is to determine where your time is being used up. An easy way to do that is to use a pie graph to represent your priorities. Draw a big circle and divide the circle into your time chunks. Follow the link for an example time management pie chart http://hopechoice.com.au/images/file/Time%20pie%20chart.pdf Make sure your pie graph represents all the different ways you fill you time between family, friends, work, hobbies and commitments. You just completed your “yes” pie with all the things you agree to do even if you don't want to or had planned something else.
Tastes so sweet when you are saying “yes” and pleasing everyone. But it leaves a very bitter after taste when you have to juggle everything. Leaving you frustrated, resentful and mostly just plain tired. Try tasting a “no” pie. It’s going to have a little tang to it at first but like all acquired tastes you are going to wonder why you avoided it for so long.
Chapter Two: Try the “no” pie
Try drawing in your time chunks again but this time take out one thing from each section. Find something you could say “no” to or at least find a more suitable compromise that might give you some more time.
For instance, less hours volunteering at school. Maybe not stay back for drinks after work every Friday. Instead do it once a fortnight or once a month. Give yourself permission to leave work on time at least once a week. Instead of going all the way across town to see a friend on the weekend ask that they meet you half way or meet at your house every alternate weekend. Agree to not do all the catering when you have family or friends over. Instead ask them to bring something. Ask your kids and partner to help out more around the house e.g. partner does cooking two nights a week or kids walk the dog during the week. Plan one weekend a month off kids sports. Ask yourself what do you want to do? Really think about it. It’s okay to make decisions about your time instead of going along with how everyone else wants you to spend your time.
Now that you have taken a chunk out of the “yes” pie you get to spend your time more wisely. E.g. more time with your partner or more time to self. It’s not always big changes that make a difference but the accumulation of the small things that can change how you spend your time, leading to less frustration and resentment. Now try drawing your no pie again.
This is where it often becomes confronting. Instead of deleting this ebook try exploring your fears about saying no. Write down the reasons you have said “yes” to things you really don’t want to do. Then write down your fears about saying “no”.
It’s confronting because you have to take responsibility for the way you feel. It does not help to blame everyone else for how busy you are or how little time you have. People are not pulling you in a million directions… You are. The goal is to feel satisfied with how you spend your time. Sometimes that means saying “no” to requests that will take you away from the things that are really important to you.
Chapter Three: Avoiding guilt
The goal is to be able to prioritise your commitments without feeling guilty or always apologising. So taking responsibility without the guilt. E.g. your boss is upset with you for leaving on time. You have a choice you can feel guilty and stay, go home but not enjoy yourself because you feel so guilty for leaving, let guilt influence you to decide to stay extra late the next day. Or you can refuse to let guilt control you. Nobody makes you feel guilty but you.
We all tend to use guilt as an excuse not to go outside our comfort zone or too avoid conflict. You can explain to your boss why you want to leave without apologising. E.g. “I need to spend some more time with my children. I can assure you I will still meet all my deadlines.”
It’s not going to be easy to do at first but it’s going to be worth it.
Chapter Four: Saying “No” ground rules
Decide to set limits on other peoples demands when those demands conflict with your own needs and desires. With strangers it’s usually enough to say “no thank you” or “no I am not interested.” With people you know it is often harder to say “no” so try the following three steps.
STEP ONE
Acknowledge the other persons request by repeating it.
STEP TWO
Explain your reasons for declining – no need to go into detail.
STEP THREE
Say “no”
Optional fourth step if appropriate
Suggest an alternative where both your needs will be met.
Have a look at the following Saying “no” examples.
You have had a long day and are very tired but a friend wants you to go out to dinner.
Step one: I understand that you would really like to get together tonight.
Step Two: Right now I am actually really tired.
Step Three: So I need to pass on tonight.
Step Four: Would there be another night we can get together?
Request from a friend to help move house.
Step one: I hear that you need help moving.
Step Two: I would like to help but I am going away this weekend.
Step Three: So I am not going to be available.
Step Four: I hope you find someone else.
Putting it all together - Request to baby sit.
I know you would like me to take care of Dan but I have some important errands to attend to so I cannot baby-sit today.
Your turn. List some examples when you find it most difficult to say “no” to people. Now try to write some responses to those situations. Take your time to find a way of saying “no” that’s right for you using the three steps. It is okay to respond that you need more time to think so you can prepare a response. Don’t over apologize, it sends the message that your needs are not as important as theirs. Be aware that some people will use your guilt against you. Be specific there is no need to go into a long explanation. Explore what you are afraid will happen if you say “no” e.g. My friend won’t like me anymore if I say no to babysitting for her.
You have to be prepared to confront the fact that not everyone is going to like you being assertive about your time. Ask yourself if you really want people in your life that don’t appreciate you have needs too. Do you want to let them control your life?
Chapter Five: What to do when your assertiveness is ignored
When someone won’t take “no” for an answer calmly repeat the same statement. Stay firm. If someone is not used to hearing “no” from you then you may need to say “no” at least three times before they will actually hear you.
Delay
When your emotions start to rise acknowledge the statement or request and ask to talk about it later when you have had time to calm down and think about how to respond e.g. “You make an interesting point. I would like time to think about this.” If you are not ready to say “no” try compromise. For instance saying:
Let’s do part of what I want with part of what you want.
Can we try meeting halfway.
If you will do …for me I will do…for you.
We will do this one my way and if it doesn’t work we can try something else next time.
Chapter Six: Protecting yourself
Visualizations are effective tools while you are beginning the process of standing up for yourself. For instance before you go into a situation you know is going to be difficult, visualize putting on armor or an invisible cape or anything you wish to keep the emotions or words from hurting you or changing your mind. You can imagine yourself holding a shield or a mirror. The constant requests from the other person just bounce off. Stay relaxed, take deep breaths and imagine yourself in a safe place for a few seconds before responding.
It’s normal to be wondering “How do I change?” For most people being passive is a lifelong habit. It’s not necessary to change everything about yourself. Start by picking one person or situation that you find difficult. You don’t need to change completely just start by having a go at one part of being assertive e.g. more eye contact or just staying calm.
Even if you are unable to say “no” afterwards write down what you would have liked to have said. Generate as many examples as possible. The more you practice the easier it becomes. If you feel like your fears are holding you back go back to your list of fears. Next to your fears write down how it will change your life if you start being assertive about your time management.
Only you can determine if the reasons to put yourself outside your comfort zone are worth it. You can either accept the way things are or realize that you can't change others but you can change yourself.
Chapter Seven: Links and resources
Other Hope Resources found at the hope choice website
Hope Challenge – For counsellors. The eBook contains tools and resources that are:-
Client centered and strengths based
Easy to apply and incorporate into your practice
Written in non jargon easy to understand language
Practical
Not expensive
Comprehensive
Adaptable to the needs of your client
Hope Challenge for the workplace The PowerPoint presentation can be used in therapeutic groups or in non clinical work groups. This resource is a practical way to shift the workplace environment away from pessimism and negative thinking.
Hope kids – For teachers This eBook provides:-
Step by step exercises to explore hope and positive thinking
Group activities that are appropriate for use after distressing events such as natural disasters
Easy to apply and simple tools to make hope real
Examples to prompt discussion in each section
Ideas for hope symbols – hope wristbands and hope jewelry
http://www.hopechoice.com.au
Other books by the author available on kindle and Smashwords
http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/gretch
Bank It The "Bank It" eBook is a practical and unique guide to building self esteem muscles in an achievable and realistic way.
Shame to Fame This eBook is a step by step guide to acknowledging and transforming shame. It is not easy but it is worthwhile.
Hope Challenge – How to let go of fear. Created from over twenty years of combined counselling experience and research this eBook will provide you with tools for change and overcoming negative thinking.
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