Last to first - How to be assertive
Published by Gretchen Netterfield at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Gretchen Netterfield
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Contents
Chapter one: Take the first step
Chapter two: Assertiveness checklist
Chapter three: Saying “No” steps
Chapter five: Links and resources
Chapter one: Take the first step
This ebook will introduce you to tools to develop effective communication skills. Learning to communicate assertively is often a parallel process with improving self-esteem and goal setting. This process can often be very challenging, you may find it easier to incorporate one aspect of assertive communication at a time. For instance instead of feeling overwhelmed by the assertiveness checklist in chapter two have a go at one skill such as practicing eye contact for one week then continue through the body language checklist before moving on to practicing “I” statements.
Role-plays and practicing effective communication in a safe environment builds confidence and allows for emotional venting. Consequently increasing the chances of being able to remain calm in difficult situations. Therefore the more you practice at home in the mirror or with someone you trust the easier it will be to apply the skills in real world situations. Practicing in the mirror is also recommended as a way to learn how to self regulate facial expressions and body language.
It’s time to say “NO” is a free resource from http//:www.hopechoice.com.au that goes into more detail regarding steps towards effective communication. At the hope choice website you will also find useful tools for self esteem and goal setting.
Chapter two: Assertiveness checklist
The first thing you need to check is if you are feeling calm enough to express your needs and concerns without blaming the other person. Where possible arrange a time and place for discussion in an appropriate and comfortable environment.
Next you need to take responsibility for the way you communicate and only use “I” statements. Use “I” statements to describe your feelings in a way that the other person has a better understanding of how important the issue is to you.
“I” statements:
I feel…think…want…
What I would like to happen is…
What I am prepared to do…
I feel …When you…Because…In future I would prefer…
Be specific about the problem/situation and practice what you are going to say. Saying “I feel like I’m not being heard” instead of “you don’t listen to me.” Changes it from an aggressive accusation to an assertive discussion point. This allows you to express yourself without making the other person defensive. Using “I” statements also helps you to define and understand how and why another person’s behaviour is affecting you. In turn the other person is more likely to understand your position if they are not being attacked. Have a look at the following and see if you can see the difference using “I” statements makes.
Examples
Aggressive: You never do anything around the house.
Assertive: I feel like I’m doing most of the house work.
Aggressive: You’re a slob.
Assertive: I think we need to discuss who does what around the house.
Aggressive: You need to pick up after yourself.
Assertive: I want to share the chores more evenly.
Aggressive: You don’t even see the mess.
Assertive: What I would like to happen is we write down all the things that need doing around the house.
Aggressive: You take me for granted.
Assertive: I feel like I am being taken for granted when all the housework is left to me because I work hard too. In future I would prefer we work together to clean up.
Assertive communication isn’t just about the words it’s also about using the appropriate body language.
Body language:
Maintain eye contact
Try not to fidget
Sit or stand up straight
Face the person you are speaking to with open body posture
Speak in a clear steady tone
Use sincere expressions e.g. smiling only when happy
The goal is to:
Achieve desired result without burning your bridges
Not see self as superior or inferior
Feel confident and have self respect
Find a way to communicate that is neither aggressive nor passive
Set an example and therefore encourage others to respond appropriately
Example situation:
Jan usually has lunch with her colleague Beth. However, lately Beth has been asking Jan to drive her around during the lunch hour to run errands on the way to pick up food. Jan prepared and practiced a statement in the hopes of changing the situation.
“I think… most days of the week I am helping you with errands and we miss half our lunch hour.”
“I feel…tired from rushing and I am disappointed that I don’t get to relax.”
“I want… to stop being your taxi service at lunch time.”
Jan realized her “I want” statement sounded aggressive so Jan changed it to:
“I would prefer to eat lunch separately when either of us has errands.”
Chapter three: Saying “No” steps
Saying “no” is difficult for most people. Changing old habits requires an examination of your fears and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone of always pleasing others. Consistent reinforcement of your motivation and reasons to say no is also recommended. The following is the basics of saying no. You can start to practice these before you start on the emotional work required to put yourself first instead of last.
STEP ONE
Acknowledge the other persons request by repeating it.
STEP TWO
Explain your reasons for declining – no need to go into detail.
STEP THREE
Say “no”.
Optional fourth step if appropriate: Suggest an alternative where both your needs will be met
Start by listing some examples when you find it most difficult to say “no” to people. Then using the steps write some responses to these situations. Take your time to find a way of saying “no” that’s right for you. In difficult or highly emotional situations give yourself permission to respond that you need more time to think so you can prepare a response. Remember to be specific there is no need to go into a long explanation and explore what you are afraid will happen if you say “no”.
Chapter four: Bill of rights
This is a useful exercise to start the process of allowing yourself to think of your needs first instead of continually putting others needs before your own. The bill of rights is also a good exercise to alleviate guilt. It is important to emphasise that these are basic human rights they do not need to be earned or justified. These are your fundamental rights and privileges that are considered important and essential by you.
Try making a list of your bill of rights. Give yourself permission to acknowledge your rights. If you have difficulty start by writing the bill of rights for your child, friend or loved one. Then challenge yourself to see that you are entitled to the same rights. Below is a sample bill of rights.
I have the right to:
Make mistakes
Put myself first occasionally
Change my mind
Be respected
Be happy
Take charge and control over my life
Everyone else has the same rights too
Chapter five: Links and resources
Beyond Blue the National Depression Initiative
Other Hope Resources found at the hope choice website
Hope Challenge – For counsellors. The eBook contains tools and resources that are:-
Client centered and strengths based
Easy to apply and incorporate into your practice
Written in non jargon easy to understand language
Practical
Not expensive
Comprehensive
Adaptable to the needs of your client
Hope Challenge for the workplace The PowerPoint presentation can be used in therapeutic groups or in non clinical work groups. This resource is a practical way to shift the workplace environment away from pessimism and negative thinking.
Hope kids – For teachers This eBook provides:-
Step by step exercises to explore hope and positive thinking
Group activities that are appropriate for use after distressing events such as natural disasters
Easy to apply and simple tools to make hope real
Examples to prompt discussion in each section
Ideas for hope symbols – hope wristbands and hope jewelry
Other books by the author available on kindle and smashwords
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/gretch
Hope Challenge – How to let go of fear. Created from over twenty years of combined counselling experience and research this eBook will provide you with tools for change and overcoming negative thinking.
Bank It The "Bank It" eBook is a practical and unique guide to building self esteem muscles in an achievable and realistic way?
Hope for kids Provides a way to explore worries and concerns without letting children dwell on the negative aspects of their life.
Shame to Fame This eBook is a step by step guide to acknowledging and transforming shame. It is not easy but it is worthwhile.
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