Two Ply Times
Published by Smashwords.com
Bathroom Reading for Old Farts
Vol. 1
Copyright PriveCo Inc. by WC Johnson
Also available at TwoPlyTimes.com
Over the Hill.com Presents Two Ply Times, Vol. 1
Table of Contents
Six Predictions that Did Not Quite Come True
There’s a Word for That
Horrible Remedies
Bucket List Items
10 Questions/Statements Guaranteed to Drive Computer-Savvy People Crazy
Bad Translations
Top 10 Things Today’s Kids Will Never Experience
Twelve Excuses for Car Accidents that Sounded Reasonable to the Drivers
What Google Thinks You Want to Know
Old TV Trivia
The Good Wife’s Guide
10 Life Regrets by Regular People
Six Predictions that Did Not Quite Come True
15 Hour Work Week
John Maynard Keynes believed that automation would make our lives so easy that there really wouldn’t be that much actual work left for humans to do. That was before computers made life so complicated that now there is never enough time.
Personal Jet Packs
Strap it on, fire it up, and you’re on your way. They actually do exist, so where’s yours? Oh, that’s right. Like everything else, they’re too expensive, don’t work that well, they break easily, and are hard to learn to operate well.
Robot Housemaids
Rosie, the Jetson’s maid, may look like a clunker but she’s more modern than the one’s we’re using now, which don’t even exist. Robots can build cars but they can’t do a little light dusting and window cleaning? However, there have been some recent advances in realistic sex dolls, so we’ve got that going.
Magic Beam Highway
We think about this one every time we encounter the guy going 45 mph in the fast lane, who then cuts everyone off to make a quick exit across all the lanes. Since we’re all going the same way on this miserable excuse for a highway, can’t they just guide us there at the same speed? This one should have been put on the fast track, so to speak.
Flying Skateboards
We saw them in Back to the Future II, so where’s ours? Blame your mother. According to the movie’s director, Robert Zemeckis, parents’ groups forced the manufacturers to stop making them. They said skateboards that float on the Earth’s magnetic waves were too dangerous and fun. Thanks a lot, Mom!
Solar Cars for Everyone
Too expensive, slow and impractical. Of course, if solar cars had been invented first, they would be saying the same thing about cars powered by dead dinosaurs.
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There’s a Word for That
Modern life calls for specialized words and phrases to describe certain situations properly.
Backseat Browser
Someone who stands over your shoulder and tells you exactly what to type next into your internet browser.
Courtesy Fart
A fart that you release to keep a companion from feeling embarrassed about the one he just let go.
Designated Drunk
Wingman for the Designated Driver who drinks all of his toasts, challenges, and last call beverages.
Elevision
Avoiding eye contact in an elevator by looking at the numbers, ceiling, floor, or anything besides the other occupants.
Hurrication
A vacation shortened abruptly by an evacuation ahead of severe weather.
Jingle Bowels
The result of holiday overindulgence.
Marijuana Minute
A very short span that seems like a long, long time.
Premature Exasperation
Getting upset before you hear the whole story, which may or may not make you more upset.
Remasculate
Regrowing a pair after doing something particularly girly.
Spicy Edit
Adding salacious details midstream when you realize that your boring story is losing the audience.
Violent Agreement
When people argue vehemently without realizing that they don’t disagree.
Yellow Listed
Wash your hands after you pee or you could get yellow listed by people who noticed.
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Horrible Remedies
Are you still wasting money on “medicines” that were created by “science”? Don’t you know that your grandmother, and her grandmother, knew more than all those doctors with their fancy degrees and irrational fear of leeches?
Here are some cheap cures for many common ailments. Don’t blame us if they don’t work and are worse than the ailments. In fact, don’t try them at all. They sound dangerous as hell.
Source: Mother's Remedies: Over One Thousand Tried and Tested Remidies from Mothers of the United States and Canada, T. J. Ritter
Sore Throat Medicine (A Horrible Remedy: Do Not Try)
Steep a medium sized red pepper in one-half pint of water, strain and add one-fourth pint of good vinegar and a heaping teaspoonful each of salt and powdered alum and gargle with it as often as needed.
Rheumatism Liniment (A Horrible Remedy: Do Not Try)
One pint pure cider vinegar, one pint of turpentine, four fresh eggs, put the egg shells and all in the vinegar, let stand until the vinegar eats the eggs all up, then add the turpentine.
Herb Tea for Bleeding from the Lungs (A Horrible Remedy: Do Not Try)
Two ounces each of bistory root, tormentil root, oak bark, and comfrey root, boil in three quarts of water down to one pint, strain and add one tablespoonful of ground ginger. Give a wine glass full every half hour until relieved. Place the feet in hot mustard water, keep the bowels open with a little senna and ginger tea and if necessary give a vapor bath.
Remedy for Gall Stones (A Horrible Remedy: Do Not Try)
Drink about a wineglass of olive oil at bedtime followed in the morning by a cathartic, as seidlitz powder, or cream of tartar and phosphate of soda; teaspoonful each morning in wineglass of water. This treatment to be pursued several weeks. Massage the part over the liver lightly night and morning. If the suffering is intense use an injection of thirty drops of laudanum to two quarts of water. In many cases the cathartic may not be needed as the olive oil will move the bowels freely.
Cure for Drunkenness (A Horrible Remedy: Do Not Try)
Arsenious Acid 19
grains
Bromine Water
sufficient
Tribromide of Gold 14
grains
Distilled Water sufficient
Ten
drops of this solution for injection, which equals one thirty-second
grain of gold tribromide. This is an active tonic, powerful sedative
and destroys the appetite or cravings for alcoholic stimulants. The
medicine is to be taken regularly four or five times a day for
several weeks until the alcohol is out of the system even though he
may appear cured. This is a good remedy, but should be given under
the supervision of a doctor.
Nervousness Remedy (A Horrible Remedy: Do Not Try)
In extreme nervous
debility with tendency to fainting fits, mix the following:
Spirits
of Camphor 1/2 ounce
Aromatic Spirits of
Ammonia 1/2 ounce
Spirits of Lavender
Compound 1 ounce
Tincture Valerian 1
ounce
Tincture Castor 1 ounce
Dose:
From one to three teaspoonfuls at intervals of from fifteen minutes
to three hours, according to urgency of symptoms. This mixture should
be kept on hand by all persons subject to fainting fits.
Spirits of camphor and aromatic spirits of ammonia stimulates
the heart, while the tincture of valerian quiets the nervous system.
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Bucket List Items
A compilation from some of the real bucket lists we found online.
1. Do nude photoshoot
Really not that difficult these days, now that cameras are available in most areas. But if you have waited more than a few years to accomplish this, you may want to add “and buy a shredder” to this goal.
2. Show mommy that I am successful
So you’re only worth one million dollars? What’s wrong with two million? Now your brother, there’s a success!
3. Visit all Major League Baseball parks
We understand the need to be complete, but some of these parks are fairly rundown, boring facilities that sit in extreme weather locations and host lackluster teams that are never in serious contention. So you might want to prioritize the list, just in case.
4. Stand on a corner in Winslow, Arizona
We’ve actually done this, but only because we happened to be there. Didn’t see the girl in a flatbed Ford, but we did take it easy. Winslow residents were not impressed.
5. Play golf with Jack Nicklaus
This is more of a bucket race now.
6. Visit Art Institute of Chicago
Get on plane, visit Art Institute, come home same day. Check off boring life goal.
7. Attend The Day of the Dead festival in Mexico
Are you sure you understand the idea of a bucket list?
8. Become a cheese connoisseur
Remain friendless.
9. Make a list of 100 books to read
And then, in the next life, actually read a book.
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10 Questions/Statements Guaranteed to Drive Computer-Savvy People Crazy
1. How do you Google Yahoo to find Bing?
2. Call to say: “I got your email. As soon as I print it and scan it I’ll fax you a reply.”
3. How do I download the upload so I can upgrade the throughput on my computer?
4. I sent your email address to this great place that sells Viagra cheap. Let me know if they don’t respond and I’ll send it again.
5. The program says to hit “Any Key” but I don’t have one on my keyboard.
6. Should I buy an Apple Dell or a PC Mac?
7. Do you know the phone number for the Photo Shop?
8. What channel is Facebook on?
9. Can you put my 8 tracks on an iPod?
10. I just bought a new Microsoft iPhone from this guy on Craigslist!
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Bad Translations
Here are some unfortunate translations into English found in Asian countries. To be fair, this would sound a lot worse if we were translating the other way.
Washing towel
Yi YU invites you to have a feeling bath making you comfortable and refreshing. The specially designed towel accelerates blood circulation, cleanses skin and is a best partner of soap or lightly soap. No need to scrud, just lightly rud to make you comfortable. After use, cleanse with fresh water. Easy to dry.
Park sign
No peddling. Violators will be clamped down.
Cleaning cloth
Supper efficacy on removing oil-stain, clean oil-stain right by water without any detergent. After using, washing slightly in water. It’ll return to original color at once. New improved material, keep away from being rotten and mould, no germ. You’ll feel safer and healthful. Thicker material which has better water-absorbent head and shoulder above normal naperies. Push in water to wipe away the slurry before first use, hunging.
Home appliance
Professional 1400 Watts HairDriver
Sale
Buy One, Get Half
Garden sign
Refusal of pet’s piss!!
Piss make me like this. Piss make me die.
Bottle label
Lip & eye remover
Sign on urinal
Out of Control
Food label
The iron plate burns the eggplant melon Japanesely.
Museum sign
Because the important activity, is gone on a sightseeing tour by you bring about forgiving inconveniently, please.
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Top 10 Things Today’s Kids Will Never Experience
Time Magazine’s Lame List
1. Camera Film
2. Landline phones
3. Real Books
4. Being Lost
5. Music Videos on MTV
6. Walkmans
7. The Glory Days of Nick at Nite
8. Tan M&Ms (eliminated in 1995)
9. Czechoslovakia
10. Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator
Our Much Better List
1. Writing a real, stamped non-business letter to someone
What would be the point?
2. Doing something stupid and not having it follow them for the rest of their lives
The internet is today’s permanent record.
3. Staying home so they don’t miss a favorite TV program when it airs
Was there life before Tivo?
4. Eating a peanut butter sandwich at school
The horror, the horror
5. Quitting a job before getting a better one
Like there will ever be another job
6. Hearing someone say, “I don’t agree, but he makes a good point.”
Unless they also add, “I think I’ll shoot him.”
7. Feeling sad, lonely, or upset without being handed a prescription
There’s a pill for that
8. Going to a movie without already knowing the surprise ending
The killer dresses up as his dead mother
9. Listening to a baseball game on the radio
We miss you Ernie Harwell, Harry Caray, Harry Calas, Bob Murphy, Herb Carneal, Dave Niehaus, and Bob Sheppard.
10. Retirement
How will they pay off their student loans if they start slacking at age 70?
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Twelve Excuses for Car Accidents that Sounded Reasonable to the Drivers
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
3. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
4. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
5. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
6. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
7. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
8. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
9. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
10. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
11. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
12. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
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What Google Thinks You Want to Know
Start typing something in Google’s search field and it will try to guess what you want to know, based on everyone’s past searches. Here are some of the autocomplete suggestions we found.
How do you…
Know
Take a screenshot
Unblock people on facebook
Make a heart on facebook
Get pink eye
Why…
Is the sky blue
Is my poop green
Do mosquito bites itch
Is a raven like a writing desk
Sex is…
On fire lyrics
Zero
Comedy
Good lyrics
Bananas lyrics
Where…
Them girls at
Is Casey Anthony
Is my refund
Them girls at lyrics
Chuck Norris
Don’t…
Be afraid of the dark
Stop believing
Wanna go home
Ask don’t tell
Stop believing lyrics
Who…
Is
Unfollowed me
Says lyrics
Says
Is a in pretty little liars
God is…
God is
Able
Love
An astronaut
Dead
What…
Is my IP
Is planking
Does my name mean
Does SMH mean
Is Google plus
Google is…
Google is
Israel
Evil
P
God
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Old TV Trivia
Q. Which members of the cast of Hogan’s Heroes actually were prisoners in Nazi concentration camps?
A. John Banner, who played Seargant Hans “I Know Nothing!” Schultz, and Robert Clary, who played Corporal Louis LeBeau.
Q. Which show was so popular that it knocked The Honeymooners off the air?
A. The Perry Como Show expanded to 60 minutes in September 1955, and rather than failing as many expected, it became one of the top 20 shows on TV.
Q. What was the real name of the horse that played Mister Ed, and what actor spoke for him?
A. Gold Coast was the horse, and Allan “Rocky” Lane was the voice.
Q. Which two sci-fi shows debuted one day after each other in September 1966?
A. Star Trek premiered on 9/8/66 and Time Tunnel started on 9/9/66.
Q. Agents on The Man from U.N.C.L.E. entered their headquarters through which kind of shop?
A. Napolean Solo and Illya Kuryakin entered the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement headquarters through a tailor shop.
Q. The first broadcast of Monday Night Football… whaddya know?
A. The ABC innovation began on September 21, 1970, with a game in Cleveland against the New York Jets. The Browns won 31-21. The original announcers were Keith Jackson, Howard Cosell and Don Meredith.
Q. Which TV character was fired from his job on a comedy show, then was hired on a drama series without changing his name?
A. Lou Grant
Q. My Mother the Car is remembered as one of the worst TV shows of all time, but it actually aired for 30 episodes. Which role did star Jerry Van Dyke turn down to take this job?
A. He was offered the role of Gilligan but decided to play the son of a woman who was reincarnated as a 1928 Porter, license number PZR 317.
Q. Who were the Indians on F Troop?
A. Hekawi Chief Wild Eagle, played by Frank DeKova, and Crazy Cat, played by Don Diamond.
Q. Which lowest of low-key family comedy ran an amazing 12 seasons, from 1960 until 1972?
A. My Three Sons
Q. What was the name of Andy Taylor’s dead wife (Opie’s mom) on The Andy Griffith Show?
A. Ha, trick question! She didn’t have a name, a picture, a gravesite, or any relatives, and was only referred to twice in eight seasons.
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The Good Wife’s Guide
Excerpts reprinted from Housekeeping Monthly, May 1955
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Catering to his personal comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you.
Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity.
Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
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10 Life Regrets by Regular People
1. I regret dating the same guy all the way through high school.
2. I regret every day that I’m still with him.
3. I regret eating that burrito at 4 a.m. Not the smartest move I’ve ever made.
4. I regret not taking a shit on my ex-boss’s desk like I planned to do when she fired me.
5. I regret not keeping in touch with people I cared about.
6. I regret never learning my lesson the first time around.
7. I regret not being a bigger bitch to guys when I was hotter.
8. I regret spending so much time trying to make other people happy.
9. I regret not appreciating time by myself until it became a luxury.
10. I regret the fact that I regret anything in this life.
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