It’s All About The Money
Nick Comer
Copyright 2003 by Nick Comer
Smashwords Edition
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the story
6 ex-University friends attempt to make £1 million pounds from a list of 6 ideas, having become bored of daily life after studying.
the characters
TARQUIN: A bit slower than the others, a better looking Rodney from Only Fools and Horses, smokes, rugby player, hasn’t got much bottle but will follow the boys, privately educated before Uni so a bit of a toff but trying to shake off the image, gets touchy when it’s mentioned. Very easily influenced and can be tricked into doing anything, as long as the bait is rewarding enough. Going thin on top but fierce in denial
Royston (SAVAGE): ladies man, always after the ladies, likes a drink and the smartest dressed, cleanest shaven, love ‘em and leave ‘em rogue, not big, bit underhand, dabbles in the moody underworld, knows a few famous people, did a degree at Uni in Psychology because more women do that course than any other, from Essex.
BRODY: Northern BRODY from Bolton, 6ft 4 inches, plays rugby, football and boozing, hates Southerners, poofs and smokers, although all of his mates are southerners. Keep fit fanatic, big build. Nutcase, but also well educated and clever with it. More interested in rucking than making money, but if the two work hand in hand then he’s there. The King of wind-ups, sometimes taken to extreme but he thinks they’re harmless. Works as an on-course bookmaker.
OLLY: Long black hair, tanned and always wears a suit two sizes to big for him, but the ladies like it – can be smooth with the girls but also can be harsh to them as well, wants to be top boy and a bit cocky, always up with the fashion but sometimes gets it totally wrong. Wants a bit of the action and leads negotiations on deals, harsh put downs and speaks how he sees it – no messing about, clever and knows it but can be too clever (ie, in front of a massive 6ft 6inch meathead!)
DENNIS: a goon from goon, everyone’s mate, no-one’s enemy, loves strip clubs which is his major vice, engaged to a millionaress who he won’t let the boys see in case they mess up it up for him - wants to settle down but loves getting into trouble every now and again. He has the least common sense – everyone relies on him without realising just how much (ie, taxi’s, money lender, advice etc…) wouldn’t harm a fly but when he loses it, he loses it and shocks everyone – similar to the incredible hulk.
Lee (MAISON): He has the idea of making the million from the six ideas and writes them down on the ‘Fierce Piece of Paper’, normal, down to earth, witty, funny, and honest, ladies friend, lovable, naive, medium height, normal geezer – likes football, fit, non smoking, normal secondary education before Uni. The brains behind the operation. More interested in making money than anything else, and never turns down a free offer.
the scenes
scene 1 graduation day
scene 2 office job
scene 3 a couple of weeks later
scene 4 OLLY returns
scene 5 the ideas
scene 5a BRODY on a date
scene 6 BRODY’s workplace
scene 7 TARQUIN’s workplace
scene 8 MAISON’s home
scene 9 SAVAGE outside ‘play your cards right’
scene 10 SAVAGE on the way home from studios
scene 11 the after dinner premiere party
scene 12 DENNISs on countdown
scene 13 MAISONs date with emily
scene 14 MAISON’s house
scene 15 in a moody jeweller’s
scene 16 SAVAGE, OLLY and MAISON at MAISONs house
scene 17 BRODY on ‘who wants to be a millionaire?’
scene 18 DENNIS wedding
scene 19 the bookmakers
scene 20 TARQUIN and SAVAGE
scene 21 MAISON in his car
scene 22 TARQUIN at work
scene 23 TARQUIN and the clinic
scene 24 MAISON and OLLY packing for everest
scene 25 MAISON on way to airport
scene 26 at the airport
scene 27 TARQUIN at work with the others
scene 28 TARQUIN late at night in the office
scene 29 the next day
scene 30 TARQUIN out and about
scene 31 kathmandu (4 weeks earlier)
scene 32 trekking from sagarmatha national park
scene 33 the hoax
scene 34 everest base camp
scene 35 the avalanche
scene 36 kathmandu hospital
scene 37 the article
scene 38 MAISON and SAVAGE
scene 39 MAISON counting the money
scene 40 the team
scene 41 the first game
scene 42 MAISON meets emily
scene 43 reaching the fa cup 2nd round vs. qpr
scene 44 warming up before kick off
scene 45 the match
scene 46 in the limo
scene 47 the casino
the screenplay
scene 1
graduation day
On stage at University, the Graduates are walking up to receive their degrees from the Dean:
THE DEAN: Well done Dennis, congratulations
DENNIS: Thank you sir
The voice over comments: “DENNIS, better known as DEN to his close friends can’t wait to marry his millionaress sweetheart, and who could blame him. All the other boys aren’t allowed to see her until it’s a done deal, just in case they let it slip about that night in the strip club!”
THE DEAN: Well done Charlie, congratulations
BRODY: Yeah, fierce.
The voice over comments: BRODY, the eldest of the lot and some say by 40 years judging from his granddad views that he never thinks twice about sharing with everyone – the token northerner of the bunch who can’t stand Southerners, even though all of his best mates come from that neck of the woods.”
THE DEAN: Well done Royston, congratulations
SAVAGE: It’s SAVAGE, if you don’t mind sir
THE DEAN: err, well ok then…well done… Royston SAVAGE, congratulations!
The voice over comments: “Royston, better known as SAVAGE, well known for being a bit of a rogue with the ladies, as his nickname justifies – nothing malicious, just a certain way in how quickly and ruthlessly he despatches of them once he’s had his way. Now don’t get me wrong, he has his moments of romance but these occur more in front of the mirror than they do over a candlelit dinner!”
THE DEAN: Well done Lee, congratulations
MAISON: Cheers sir, did you know that he cheated in his exams? (pointing to TARQUIN who is walking up the steps of the stage waving to the crowd)
The voice over comments: “MAISON, the brains behind the bunch and always on the sniff to make a few quid in anything he does. Girls come and go but money sticks, especially when it’s in his bank account.”
THE DEAN: Err…. congratulations Tarquin – how did you find the exams?
TARQUIN: I just sat down and there they were, right in front of me…!!
THE DEAN: Yes…hmmmm…yes of course…well congratulations Tarquin, and congratulations to you all!!
The voice over comments: “TARQUIN, well known for his rounded stomach and his like of raw pork belly. The well educated one of the lot - hard to tell from his slowness to grasp even the simplest fact that raw pork belly makes you fat!”
At the bottom of the stairs off the stage, TARQUIN asks MAISON:
TARQUIN: What did you say to him up there? I saw you pointing at me!?
MAISON: I just told him how hard you’ve been studying!
TARQUIN: Nice one, cheers!
MAISON then phones OLLY, who’s in a jacuzzi in Bali with two girls on either shoulder:
MAISON: Alright son, you got a Desmond (tu-tu)
OLLY: Beautiful, I knew they wouldn’t be able to resist that monkey I slipped in the exam paper.
The voice over comments: OLLY, the cockiest one of the bunch – loves living it up big time and also likes spending it big time. Ever since some bird dumped him for being too boring he’s gone full circle and lives every day like it’s his last – shame his money won’t though!!
MAISON: So, when you back? Have you had much luck out there with the girls?
OLLY looks at both of the girls on either arm:
OLLY: Naaaa, nothing to shout about. I should be back by December, these two are as skint as me – you got any spare room at yours Christmas Day?
MAISON: Yeah, no worries – oh, and say hello to the fat one from me!!
end of scene 1
scene 2
office job
MAISON’s walking across a large office floor, 2 years later and chatting to his work colleagues:
MAISON: Alright Linda, how’s Trevor from Accounts? He was a right mess last night…did he mention that he told me about you two…?
LINDA: He told you???!!!
MAISON: Yeah, no worries though – I won’t tell a soul. I’ve already promised I wouldn’t to Greg when he told me in the first place!!
The camera pans to Greg Kingspan, the office MD and total idiot, strange looking and he has a side parting covered with grease.
MAISON sits down at his computer; the screen saver is a massive Rocky IV picture with his own head superimposed on top of Rocky’s. An email arrives; it’s from OLLY and reads:
MAISON READS OUT:
“MAISON,
Cheers for Christmas again this year – your mum makes (and has) cracking spuds!!! Anyway, I’m coming back home for good in a couple of weeks – was hoping to catch up with you and the boys – my cash has run out again and I reckon we need to start making some serious money, seeing as you skint lot never came to visit me out here once. How about we meet up as an excuse for a weekend long p*ss up??!!
Let me know
OLLY”
MAISON REPLIES:
“OLLY,
Fierce – I could do with getting outta here - Linda and Trevor’s love life was never on my agenda when we graduated. Let me know and I’ll organise it with the boys to all meet down The Beath Tavern
MAISON”
Greg Kingspan gives MAISON some hand written notes:
GREG KINGSPAN: Lee, I need this typed up for a meeting in 2 hours. Give it to me in 1 – and don’t be late!!
MAISON: Yeah, sure………..
MAISON looks at Greg Kingspan walking off and shoves two fingers up at him
MAISON COMPLETES EMAIL:
“Ps, you’d better get back here soon, otherwise you’ll be waiting an extra 30 years for me to get out for murder before we can start making some serious dough!!”
end of scene 2
scene 3
a couple of weeks later
MAISON, TARQUIN, and DENNIS are all in the local nightclub standing at the bar:
TARQUIN: So, OLLY comes back tomorrow then?
MAISON: Yeah, the littlest hobo – he never bloody stops moving about! I think he’s properly skint this time though – that’s sort of what tomorrow’s all about. We’re gonna be thinking of ways to earn some big number folding, instead of helping everyone else make it and then get sod all reward
DENNIS: Oh right, don’t forget your crystal ball then as we could maybe ask it to produce six lucky numbers for that nights lotto draw!!
MAISON: F*** off DENNIS – if you’re gonna be like that tomorrow then you can just f*** right off? Besides, Mystical MAISON has already got the key to the door of fortune and all will be revealed!
TARQUIN: What, like doing a bank job?
MAISON: Do you know something, it’s so lucky you met me at Uni, otherwise you’d either be behind bars or dead by now – you peanut! All will be revealed tomorrow son, just don’t be late, otherwise I’ll get some other f***wit to take your place!
SAVAGE and BRODY turn up with a couple of girls on each arm. SAVAGE to all:
SAVAGE: Hello ladies – thought you lot might be in here. We would’ve been here sooner but got…well…held up shall we say!
MAISON: She could hold both of you up, judging by the size of her arms!
SAVAGE: Good one MAISON, don’t see you having much luck tonight though…
MAISON: All in good time son, all in good time.
The two girls go off to powder their noses - the inside of their noses!
MAISON: You two chumps deffo about tomorrow then?
BRODY: Wouldn’t miss the Mancs beat the soft Arsenal for the world…
DENNIS: …and OLLY’s back as well
BRODY: Oh yeah, that as well…
TARQUIN wanders off as ‘Eye of the Tiger’ comes on.
MAISON: He’s not gonna try them one arm press ups again is he – it took him 6 weeks to recover, and then another 2 more before he came out of his house again after the last time he tried it!!
DENNIS: Someone stop him…
MAISON: Here, hold this…
MAISON gives his drink to DENNIS and goes to stop him doing the press ups but arrives just as he’s started…TARQUIN slumps to the floor after hurting his arm and back. MAISON realises that there’s a few girls watching so before helping TARQUIN, he finishes doing the one arm press ups to a great applause, then helps TARQUIN up and back to the bar with the others.
SAVAGE to TARQUIN:
SAVAGE: You twat – and you wonder why it’s been so long since you had a bird!
BRODY: Talking of birds, I think them two we came in with have done a runner
SAVAGE: I’m not surprised after that performance from TARQUIN! Let’s see if we can re-coup some of our losses!
BRODY and SAVAGE go wandering off on the blag together. MAISON wanders off to the bogs when he bumps into Emily Armstrong, his one time girlfriend from the past – she dumped him when he was 18 and he has never forgotten her. MAISON takes a dive for the bogs and runs off, but she watches him do so.
TARQUIN is in the bogs looking after his arm:
TARQUIN: That bloody song – if one more DJ plays that song again after I’ve had a few drinks I’ll kill him! What’s up with you?
MAISON: Nothing (puffing) just a blast from the past (panting) – Jesus, my hearts loving it – I can’t even get it to go this fast down the gym! Anyway, don’t worry about me - you gonna be alright to get home?
TARQUIN: Yeah, although hailing a taxi might be tricky
MAISON: I’m leaving now anyway – you fancy giving some cabbie a bit of abuse?
TARQUIN: Lead the way, you Big Fat Mr Cabbie B*stard!!
end of scene 3
scene 4
OLLY returns
Saturday Morning – 11.30am
SAVAGE is getting dressed in a ladies bedroom – hair all over the shop and then nicks her watch,, pats her on the cheek and then walks downstairs to find BRODY on the sofa naked – SAVAGE runs to the toilet to throw up. He comes back and BRODY’s putting on his orange shirt from the night before, having been woken up by the sick noises:
SAVAGE: (Whisper) Don’t do that to me in the mornings – it was bad enough having to wake up with ‘that thing’ upstairs!
BRODY: Sorry SAVAGE, I can’t remember taking my clothes off!
SAVAGE: What’s the time…? (he looks about for a watch, then remembers he’s got the girls watch) Oh yeah…Jeeesus, it’s 11.30am, we’re gonna be fierce late for the midday meet.
BRODY: I’ve gotta go home and wash – this sofa’s covered in dog hairs…. (spitting and spluttering) I think I ate half a dog last night!
SAVAGE: Now now BRODY – she weren’t that bad! ……. Let’s go, before someone sees us, puts two and two together and comes up with the right answer!!
Outside the house:
SAVAGE: Where are we?
BRODY: (Shrugs his shoulders as he’s doing his flies up)
SAVAGE to a passer by walking his dog on the green:
SAVAGE: Oi, geezer, can you tell me how I get to The Beath Tavern?
DOG WALKER: I can give you a lift if you want – we can take mine (points to a black cab) You can add it to the fare you still owe me – the one that you ran from last night!
SAVAGE: Oh right, I wondered what the grass stains were all about – it was his idea (pointing to BRODY who’s 10yards behind still doing his flies)
BRODY: What?
MAISON, DENNIS and TARQUIN are in the pub. TARQUIN has got his arm in a makeshift sling from the night before and everyone’s on Bacardi Watermelon as the lager is too harsh at the moment
DENNIS: So, what time is OLLY arriving then?
MAISON: Ask him yourself
Everyone turns as OLLY is standing in the pub, having just walked in with a fierce tan, shades and a dodgy Hawaiian shirt
TARQUIN: Nice shirt son – did you bring me back one?
OLLY: Naaa TARQUIN, I wouldn’t have been able to fit it in the rucksack – know what I mean? How you doing fatty – you put on weight?
TARQUIN: F*** off! What you drinking?
OLLY: White wine spritzer with a Babycham top
EVERYONE:(Spits out their drink) A what?
MAISON: I thought these alcopops were bad enough. You haven’t turned funny since you’ve been away have ya?
OLLY: Culture boys, culture – once you’ve experienced it, there’s no going back – did you know that in Mongolia Babycham is worth more than gold!
DENNIS: Did you know that in the UK drinking ‘Mongolian gold’ is worth a good kick-in! You’ll give this pub a bad reputation!
OLLY: Ha ha – you can tell he’s never been within a 1-mile radius of that chair – now SIT DAAN, and shut it (mock digs and punches going on between the two) Where are the other two freaks? SAVAGE and BRODY?
SAVAGE and BRODY walk in:
SAVAGE: Alright Hobo, what the hell is that you’re drinking?
OLLY: Ask DENNIS; he’s the one who’s taken great offence to it
DENNIS: I just said………..
OLLY: Sit Daaan!! So, did you miss me then? Listen, have I got some stories that’ll make your eyes water and your balls bulge – there was this one time right when we were in Bermuda…
MAISON to TARQUIN:
MAISON: Come on, pay up – I told you it’ll take less than 5 minutes before he started giving it the travelling stories…. come on - £5!!
MAISON: So, everyone recovered from last night? SAVAGE - I got word that you and BRODY were at Linda’s house this morning, you know Linda – the bike from my work? Is that true?
SAVAGE: No
MAISON: Oh, it’s just that someone told me there were two blokes looking lost, asking directions to the Beath Tavern and one of them was wearing an orange shirt. You sure you weren’t there?
SAVAGE: Oh f*** it, yeah – look, you can have her watch if you like – it’s a bloody fake anyway
BRODY: What’s a fake? – the watch, or her orgasm last night! “Oh, Royston, Royston, Yes, Yes”
SAVAGE: Shut up whale boy! You looked all beached up on the sofa this morning! Just so you all know I was physically sick when I saw him with no clothes on – god only knows what the girls must do when he strips for them!!
OLLY: Handbags girls – one at a time now
MAISON: So OLLY, you had any thoughts on how we’re gonna start making some proper money now that you’re back full time?
OLLY: Well, I’m glad you mentioned it as I have got one idea…How about we start up a band and call ourselves “The Gee Bees”
TARQUIN: Is that it? That’s the idea? I’ll give him more than a bloody ‘night fever’ if that’s the sodding reason why I’ve come down here with a dislocated shoulder, just to listen to this pratt make up some crap about a back to front shit pop group!
The football kicks off – Man Utd v Arsenal:
BRODY: F*** this – I’m watching the football – I’ve got an accumulator bet on this match
OLLY: What? What did I say – I’ve got all the outfits sorted and everything!
MAISON: I thought this might happen. Ever since you sent me that email I’ve been thinking about ways to make our million, to do it for ourselves and to prove that with a little brains and ingenuity we can stop being normal 9-5’s and make something out of our lives. BRODY – come and sit down you northern fool. I’ve drawn up this list – it’s a list that’s got 6 ideas on it. These ideas are not about having fun, not about having a little jolly up, although I can guarantee this will happen in abundance along the way. These ideas are about making money – small amounts at first but as we progress we can make more and more. I’ve done the sums and if we complete all 6 of these ideas we can make £1million between us. I’ve allocated each task to a group. It’s their job to complete the task and let the whole group know how much money has been made. As long as we’re honest with each other there’s no reason why we can’t achieve this £1million quid. Who’s in?
DENNIS: Hold on – it can’t be that easy
MAISON: I never said these ideas were gonna be easy – I said if completed we’ll make £1million
BRODY: What are they then?
MAISON: No – not that easy BRODY, I need you all to be in agreement before I show you – if you’re not then I’ll take you off the list and you won’t have to do any of them, but then you won’t get any of the money. None of these ideas are illegal, some may exploit certain people and markets for our own personal gain but that’s the game you play – the fact is we can’t be nicked for any of these ideas.
BRODY: So what are they then – I’m in!
SAVAGE: Yeah, I’ll have some of that – sounds much more appealing than dressing up like Barry ‘bloody’ Gibb!
OLLY: Yeah, whatever.
DENNIS: As long as it doesn’t involve anything that’ll jeopardise my marriage to Benise then I’m in.
MAISON: I can’t make any promises DENNIS, apart from the £1million.
DENNIS: You b*stard – you know I’m in.
MAISON: That leaves you TARQUIN – yes or no?
TARQUIN: Do I need to do any one-arm press-ups?
MAISON: OK – that I can guarantee – any one-arm press-ups will be personally carried out by yours truly – keepesh?
TARQUIN: OK – I’m in.
MAISON: Game on – BRODY, would you kindly get the beers in before I enlighten the group of what’s in store for us all over the coming months!
end of scene 4
scene 5
the ideas
All of us are lashed, waving the piece of paper about the pub 6 hours later when Emily Armstrong walks in with a friend. MAISON notices her straight away, and instead of running, he has had sufficient alcohol to attempt to chat to her. She notices him and smiles.
MAISON: A’wight – Emily? Emily Armstrong?
EMILY: Hello Lee, how are you keeping?
MAISON: Oh fierce, just fierce – I’m with all my mates from Uni – how about you?
EMILY: I’ve just split from my husband – I’m here with my sister Claire.
MAISON: That’s fierce, would you like a drink? How about a white wine spritzer and a Babycham top – did you know that in Mongolia Babycham is more expensive than gold! (MAISON winces at the thought of him saying this).
EMILY: Really? ok then, I’ll try one - have you been to Mongolia then?
MAISON: Errr, yeah, the place is amazing…here you go – so, what are your plans for tonight? Do you fancy joining us? We’ll try and cheer you up after your break up with…
EMILY: Oh, Dave – but I prefer to call him ‘Dave the B*stard’
MAISON: Oh right – well come and meet BRODY the Nice, OLLY the Smiler, Caring TARQUIN, Happy SAVAGE and Merry DENNIS – all non-b*stards you’ll be glad to hear!!
EMILY: Hee hee – ok then!
The group all sit about chatting, laughing and messing about. They play tricks on each other (BRODY’s on the fruit machine and someone pulls his tracksuit bottoms down, someone kneels behind TARQUIN who’s at the bar and pushes him over – there’s a few magic tricks being done by MAISON and OLLY on the girls jewellery – hiding it etc…. DENNIS falls asleep standing up and SAVAGE tries it on with Claire, touching her leg etc…. Music playing is ‘Going Loco’ – the nightclub they go to is called Acalpulco!
MAISON to TARQUIN who are both standing round the dance floor watching Emily dance:
MAISON: I think I love her, all over again – what’s all that about eh? Did you feel the same with what’s her name – that wally you went out with – Vanessa?
TARQUIN: Sort of, I can’t really remember as she was helping me in through my front door after finding me asleep on the stairs outside – maybe you should try something like that!
MAISON: Oh right – so I fall asleep right here then and see if she falls for me – wise up TARQUIN, she’ll think I’m mad!
TARQUIN: No, I meant play for a bit of sympathy action with her. Like walk up to her, say you’re tired and ask her if she fancies coming back for an early night?
MAISON: Yeah, I see what you mean…..erm…..alright then, no harm in giving her the full autochat treatment. Watch and learn fatboy!
As soon as MAISON goes to try it on with Emily, he falls down the stairs, one by one, to the dance floor on his backside and at that point OLLY walks over, pats MAISON on the head and steams over to Emily, making her laugh, giggle and flirting with her – she seems to fall for it and leaves the dance floor with OLLY.
MAISON trudges back to TARQUIN:
MAISON: Nice one TARQUIN, remind me not to listen to you again – hold on, isn’t idea number 2 that we’ve gotta ‘Get tickets to a film premiere in Leicester square and the after dinner parties’?
TARQUIN: Yeah
MAISON: Well let’s hope they don’t have any bloody stairs there then! Word is these parties are a goldmine for rich talent. Should be a nice little earner if you can get in with some of the posh birds there, they’re loaded.
TARQUIN: I’ve been meaning to find out how we make money out of them?
MAISON: Well, I thought you’d never ask!! Do you remember that magic trick I did back in the pub earlier – the one where Emily’s watch disappears?
TARQUIN: Yeah – so what?
MAISON: Well, I’m gonna show you how it’s done for real, and how not to give it back!
TARQUIN: Yeah, but it’s not ours to kee….p….oh I getcha – I like it, I like it a lot – Oi, hold on, I thought you said none of this was illegal
MAISON: It’s not, coz we’re not gonna get caught!! We wind up the toffs on our table and question their pride in a bet in front of all their women – they won’t be able to refuse and we run away with a sack full of loot – Robin Hood’s all round - It’s magic!
TARQUIN: Oi MAISON – OLLY’s leaving with Emily!
MAISON: No worries son, there are boundaries you don’t cross – he’s knows I’m after her – it’s not like I haven’t stopped talking about her for the last 7 years!! I’ll see her around again soon, and hopefully it’ll be without you dishing out advice, so next time I go in for the kill I won’t be moseying on up to her with a numb bum!!
end of scene 5
scene 5a
BRODY on a date
MAISON is out after work with colleagues – Linda and Trevor are in the corner of a busy pub canoodling and then pretending they’re not together – it’s just ridiculous. They’re all over each other one minute then sit far apart the next when another colleague walks over. This pub is in Central London and not one of MAISON’s regular haunts. He’s in his suit and drinking lager whilst chatting to work colleagues:
MAISON: No chance – The best goal in the FA Cup Final was Keith Houchen for Coventry, diving header 1987!
DARREN: Well, what about Ian Rush’s two goals against Everton is 1986 – you can’t get better than that?
MAISON: What if he’d scored 3? Surely that would be better though!?
MAISON looks confused at this stupid comment from Darren – the goon in Accounts!
DARREN: Oh yeah, Well you know what I mean?
MAISON: No, I don’t – or what if he’d scored four, then when he was celebrating he found £1 on the pitch? Surely that would be better? Surely?
DARREN: Well now you’re just being picky!
MAISON: But I’m right though aren’t I, your last comment was just stupid!
DARREN: I guess so….
MAISON: Thank you – that means I win and it’s your round!
MAISON is shaking his head in disbelief as Darren walks off. As he’s looking round the pub he sees BRODY with a young lady at the bar. MAISON can’t believe its BRODY – not because he’s with a girl but because he’s wearing an Arsenal shirt – and so is she. She must be a fan and he’s doing it to impress her, or she made him wear it!! MAISON nearly wets himself and hides so BRODY doesn’t see him! MAISON to himself:
MAISON: I don’t believe it – I gotta show the boys this!
MAISON then walks up to the barman round the corner:
MAISON: Oi, John – there’s a couple round the corner at the jump, both with Arsenal shirts on…can you take a photo of them for me…
MAISON hands him his picture phone, explains what to do but the barman is reluctant:
MAISON: Oh right, I getcha – how about a fiver and we never met, ok?
BARMAN: OK
The barman walks over to BRODY and his lady friend:
BARMAN: Two Arsenal fans in tonight? Can I get a photo so I can send it to my Spurs mate to wind him up!
BRODY: Err…. well….
LADYFRIEND: Yeah sure, it’ll be fun…. come here and give me a big kiss!
BRODY reluctantly has the photo taken with her. The barman gives the phone back to MAISON, he looks at the picture and cracks up – he can’t stop laughing. Next scene shows him walking home, still laughing whilst looking at the photo on his phone! The next day MAISON and the boys are out for BRODY’s birthday. MAISON and the boys get to the pub early and start handing out A4 sheets of paper with something printed on. You can’t see it but the audience can guess it’s the photo from last night. BRODY walks in with his Man Utd shirt on:
BRODY: A’wight? what happened to all you chumps last night then – good evening?
The whole pub is plastered in these posters, behind the bar, above the bar, on fruit machines, on tables. MAISON has even slipped one on the back of BRODY’s shirt and he’s only been in the pub 2 seconds!! Everyone is sniggering:
DENNIS: Not bad BRODY, not bad…how was your night?
BRODY: Quiet!
Everyone now cracks up
TARQUIN: How did Sheffield Wednesday get on last night?
BRODY: I dunno – I couldn’t give a toss about Sheffield Wednesday – there’s only one teams results that count son, and I think you know who they are by now…
MAISON: Yeah, (he shows BRODY the picture)…..Arsenal’s
The whole pub start cracking up…BRODY is confused then realises it’s him and just stays quiet! All the pub start singing:
ALL: BRODY for Arsenal…BRODY for Arsenal…. BRODY for Arsenal…
BRODY mumbles…
BRODY: …b*stards!
end of scene 5a
scene 6
BRODY’s workplace
BRODY is a bookmaker at a racecourse – Sandown, DENNIS and SAVAGE turn up to sort out the idea 1 on the list. BRODY has had a bad day and lost a few quid to the punters so is not in the best of moods
DENNIS to BRODY:
DENNIS: Alright BRODY, you had a good day? You not wearing your Arsenal colours today then?
BRODY: Sod off – no, it’s not been a good day being £1,000 down, getting soaking wet and taking abuse and spit off some drunken witch!
SAVAGE: Well, do you fancy taking a few quid off us for the last race or shall we take our business elsewhere then, u moody sod!
BRODY: I’ll take it – what d’ya want?
SAVAGE: £50 on Whisky Will in the 4.30 – can you place it right on the tip of his nose please!!
BRODY: 10/1 – no chance, he’s never won yet
SAVAGE: Shut up and take it – you’ll only be £950 quid poorer then won’t you!
Fergal Lionel is the bookie next to BRODY and overhears this conversation:
FERGAL LIONEL: If you don’t want the bet BRODY, you know I’ll give the boy a good price!
SAVAGE recognises Fergal Lionel as the bloke BRODY hates on a daily basis – smarmy, as he’s recently moved BRODY over a patch on the stalls and is making a few quid – black guy, with lots of jewellery on.
SAVAGE to BRODY:
SAVAGE: (Whispers) May I?
BRODY nods:
SAVAGE to Fergal Lionel:
SAVAGE: Excuse me, I didn’t catch all of that!
FERGAL LIONEL: I’ll give you 12/1 on the same nag, can’t say fairer than that….
SAVAGE: You twat!
SAVAGE then pushes Fergal Lionel off his stool, and all of his computer stuff as well!
SAVAGE: You still gonna give me 12/1?
FERGAL LIONEL: Give me your money – 12/1 – there you go, it’s not got a hope in hell’s chance anyway!
The boys all watch the race and see Whisky Will come home by half a length, whilst all shouting ‘whip the b*stard’ – SAVAGE coolly steps up to collect his £600 off Fergal Lionel – who keeps the stake for damages – SAVAGE shrugs his shoulders and says:
SAVAGE: It was worth £50 to see you stack it, you big fat b*stard!!
All 3 hang around BRODY’s patch, as everyone is packing up to go home:
DENNIS: That was handy – it should go someway to the £1million target
SAVAGE: No way – there’s nothing in the ideas about personal gambling – I need this to lend to someone for well, it doesn’t matter - I just need it alright so f***…off (we find out later it is lent to TARQUIN for covering up his bald spot with hair surgery)
DENNIS: So, idea Number 1 – “Apply to get on 3 game shows on the TV and accumulate the prize money from each show” (reading it from the Fierce Piece of Paper) I’ve thought of a few – how about Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Countdown, and Play Your Cards Right?
SAVAGE: So, we just apply for these shows with all the other hard up monkeys in the country do we? The odds must be about 500,000/1 to get on these shows – if we bet £1 on ourselves getting on then we’re halfway there already!!
DENNIS: BRODY – please inform the gentleman of the situation!
BRODY: Well, Chris Tarrant, Richard Whiteley and Bruce Forsyth all have open accounts with me so a few favours pulled in the right direction should get us on the shows – leave it to me and I’ll see what I can do!
SAVAGE: Ba da bo dooop, ba da da do Doooooooo (the Countdown clock noise, and then punches BRODY in the ribs, messing about!!)
BRODY glares at him
end of scene 6
scene 7
TARQUIN’s workplace
TARQUIN works in the City for ‘Gregle & Gregle Investments’ and has two phones against his ears, fierce under pressure when OLLY and MAISON stroll in about midday. MAISON and OLLY can see TARQUIN, but he can’t see them and they phone him up on his third phone:
MAISON: Ahem, yes…can I please purchase 8 kilograms of Investments please?
TARQUIN: Yes, sure…may I take your company na…me…what? 8 kilograms? F*** off MAISON – is that you?
MAISON: No, it’s bloody Bob Geldoff – turn round fatty!
MAISON’s waving his arms whilst OLLY is chatting up the secretary and you can overhear him saying “Alright treacle, It’s very nice of you to say I look like Adam Ant – how about you come back to mine after work and I’ll stand, whilst you deliver?. She giggles, MAISON whistles for OLLY to come over and they both wander towards TARQUIN:
TARQUIN: How did you two get in here? I told security to put your names on the banned list, especially after you came in here last time with your Scream mask and a plastic knife!!
MAISON: Yeah, keep it quiet when calling us by our real names – we’re now Paul Topkins and Mathew Chives, from ‘Farmer and Farmer Investments’ in Norwich – ooooh arrrrrr!!
TARQUIN shakes his head:
TARQUIN: We’ve gotta get a new secretary out front – she’ll bloody let anyone in as long as they try it on with her. You b*stards – what can I do for you? – I’m fierce busy at the moment.
OLLY: You got these tickets to a film Premiere yet? – word is the other boys are already in rehearsals for ‘Play Your Cards Right’ and we’ve got sod all to show for Idea Number 2.
TARQUIN: How does 3 tickets to Planet of the Apes II sound, with that Helena Bonham Carter – she’s fierce posh and will have loads of upper class people there – half of this lot (the office) are all going
MAISON: Perfect – when is it?
TARQUIN: A week from today – you worked out how you’re gonna get money out of them all yet?
MAISON: Yeah, we’re on the case – you’ve done your job, now just come along and enjoy the ride – just one more thing, make sure we’re on a table full of young rich blokes with their girlfriends, and that they all love themselves – you should fit in perfectly OLLY!
OLLY: Too-shay MAISON, Too-shay!
TARQUIN’s phones are going bonkers and his boss; Bob Abob comes over to see what’s the problem.
BOB ABOB: Tarquin, you never informed me you had a meeting today
TARQUIN: I don’t
OLLY: We’re just here to work out whether or not we want to invest in your company – Tarquin kindly offered to make us all coffee…
BOB ABOB: Well, in that case, let me get it for you – Latte’s for both of you?
OLLY: Yeah – fierce!
BOB ABOB: I won’t be a minute – Tarquin, make these two gentleman comfortable..
Bob Abob walks off to get the latte’s:
TARQUIN: You’d better go – he already thinks he’s up for the sack, I don’t wanna stress him out anymore – I’ll see you next week then. Oh by the way, how are we gonna arrive there? In style? I was thinking we could get jet packs? What do you two reckon?
OLLY: For a minute there TARQUIN I thought you said jet packs? How did you get past the interview stage here again – was it because that’s how you arrived here? You total doogle!
MAISON: Other than the jet pack idea it was good work TARQUIN – I’ll look forward to those 8 kilograms when you get a minute as well!
TARQUIN: P*ss off!
end of scene 7
scene 8
MAISON’s home
MAISON’s getting ready for the night ahead, the premiere of Planet of the Apes II and is in his bedroom when on the telly comes Play Your Cards Right and SAVAGE is on the box with some young tart he calls his long term partner!! This, MAISON has to see – he’d forgotten that it was tonight that SAVAGE was appearing – BRODY had indeed managed to call in a few favours.
(Scene of BRODY telling Forsyth that unless SAVAGE gets on his show this Saturday then he’s gonna tell his producers that Forsyth owes £10,000 in gambling debts, and that isn’t a good role model to have as someone who presents a gambling programme!)
BRUCEY: It’s nice to see you, to see you NICE!
MAISON: No way, I forgot it was tonight – Well done BRODY – I dunno how you managed to swing that one so quick. Who the hell is that? (referring to SAVAGE’s female partner)
On the Telly:
SAVAGE: Hello Bruce, my name’s Royston SAVAGE and this is Angela – we’ve been seeing each other now for well over 4 years and are planning on marrying this Christmas, and to start a family.
(Scene shows SAVAGE running around outside the studios tempting girls off the streets and asking them to appear on Play Your Cards Right with him)
The audience cheer him and SAVAGE starts waving to them
BRUCEY: OK, we asked 100 people if sex in the morning was better than sex in the evening. How many do you think agreed with this statement?
The other players are to go first, there’s some conferring and then they say:
OTHER COUPLE: 64 Bruce
BRUCE: Ok, 64. Royston and Angela – how many people do you think agreed with this statement?
SAVAGE: 65
The other couple glare at SAVAGE as he’s just copied their answer and added 1.
BRUCE: The correct answer is 68. Royston and Angela, come this way!!
MAISON: You cheeky b*stard!! I like your style!
MAISON checks his watch – he’s late
MAISON: Shit, I’m late – (phone rings) Mum?? Oh Mum – nice one!!
MAISONS MUM: Well, hello to you to – what’s up?
MAISON: Give us a lift to Leicester Square will ya – I’ll owe you one
MAISONs mum comes round and picks him up. On the way MAISON phones BRODY and gets the full update, and finds out that SAVAGE stuck to adding one on top of what the other couple kept saying and walked away with a new Jeep and £5,000 cash.
(£20K comes flashing up on the screen to show the boys are on their way towards £1million)
MAISON: That’s a minimum £20K to start with – let’s see if we can beat that tonight!
MAISON turns up at Leicester Square in his mum’s car and gets dropped off right at the front where TARQUIN and OLLY are waiting – he has to kiss her goodbye in front of all the celebrities and rich clientele:
TARQUIN: Now that’s what I call style!
MAISON: Sorry, I must’ve missed your jet pack entrance!!
TARQUIN goes quiet!
OLLY: You should’ve invited your mum in with you MAISON. Does she still fancy me?
MAISON: I can’t believe I told you that – she was drunk and she mentioned you were a handsome chap – that’s all. Get over it!!
OLLY: No worries – just let me know if you’ve got any spare room this Christmas and I’ll be more than happy to take up my usual position next to her at the table!!
MAISON gives OLLY a fierce look:
TARQUIN: Isn’t that what’s her name – the fit one from the DIY programme, the one with the massive knockers?
MAISON: Calm it TARQUIN, let’s go to work. OLLY, you got your props?
OLLY: Yep, I don’t leave home without them!
MAISON: TARQUIN, just pretend you don’t know us, side with your posh mates and go along with whatever me and OLLY tell you to – don’t get drunk, be a prick and then blow the cover. (WHISPERS ONE ON ONE TO TARQUIN) otherwise I’ll tell everyone what clinic I saw you coming out of the other day!
Scene shows TARQUIN coming out of a hair clinic, patting the back of his head and holding an appointment card!
TARQUIN: OK, OK, I know the score! Let’s go to work then and take my colleagues to the sword!
end of scene 8
scene 9
SAVAGE outside ‘play your cards right’
SAVAGE is behind the scenes with Angela, chatting when it cuts in:
SAVAGE: OK then Babes, I’ll give you a call soon yeah, maybe we could go out sometime?
ANGELA: Hold on, you promised me half of whatever we won tonight!
SAVAGE: Yeah, I know but I’ve gotta sell the car ain’t I? Once I’ve done it I’ll let you know straight away and we’ll go halves. Look, here’s my number - give me a call whenever you want and I’ll let you know how I’m getting on.
SAVAGE has given Angela OLLY’s phone number without Angela knowing:
ANGELA: So, you gonna offer me a lift home then?
SAVAGE: No
Angela is on the bus and feels bad about doubting SAVAGE, so she calls him up. The scene is cut to OLLY at the Premiere and in the cinema with his phone going off. Everyone is tutting and moaning as he makes his way to the door.
OLLY: Hello?
ANGELA: Royston, I’m just calling to say how sorry I am for snapping at you back in the studio – I know you’ll be honest and just wanted to….
OLLY: Sorry – who is this?
ANGELA: It’s Angela; Royston?
OLLY: There’s no Royston here love – you’ve got the wrong number.
ANGELA: Royston SAVAGE, I’m trying to get Royston SAVAGE….
OLLY: Sorry love, I’m not Royston ‘sodding’ SAVAGE and if you see him, tell him to stop giving out this number – now f*** off!
OLLY walks back in to the cinema, people still glaring at him and MAISON asks:
MAISON: Who was that?
OLLY: Some tart for SAVAGE – I reckon it might have been the one on the show with him tonight – she sounded well stupid. Do you know that’s the 4th time some old scrubbers phoned me up asking for him – I even had some bit of rope from Birmingham call up and ask me for more bum loving!! What he does with these girls I really don’t wanna know – I reeeaaally don’t wanna know
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: Sssshhhhh
MAISON AND OLLY: F*** Off!!
end of scene 9
scene 10
SAVAGE on the way home from studios
SAVAGE is walking along the pavement 5 mins outside of the studios when a car approaches and out steps the contestant he’d been playing against tonight on Play Your Cards Right – there’s also his wife who gets out of the car too:
SAVAGE: You want directions?
MALE CONTESTANT: You f***ing cheat…., you cheated and we lost.
SAVAGE: Well, hold on a second mate, play the game - I just thought ‘this guy’s already lost, going on National TV and announcing that hound as his wife’ so I thought what’s the problem if he loses out again!! YOU WANT SOME!!
SAVAGE gets ready for the ruck, until another car pulls up and out steps two more blokes:
SAVAGE: Look mate, I was only kidding – she’s a lovely little thing really…
SAVAGE gets a good kick-in from these guys and is left to walk home, bruised and cut. (elaborate on the fighting scene)
end of scene 10
scene 11
the after dinner premiere party
TARQUIN, MAISON and OLLY all sit down on a round table for the after dinner meal and check out the people they’re on the table with. TARQUIN sits with colleagues – 12 to a table – OLLY’s next to the only single girl on the table called Lisa. He obviously strikes up some conversation with her, but she’s even more of a flirt than him, which eventually puts him off, especially when she starts taking the p*ss:
OLLY: If apes were to take over the planet, then I reckon I’ll be ok….
LISA: What makes you say that then?
OLLY: Well, I have this special way with animals, I can communicate with them - straight up. Once, this dog was walking on this frozen lake and the ice cracked, he fell in and began to drown – I jumped in and rescued it, and ever since then I’ve had this ability to understand dogs and connect with them…
OLLY winks at another girl on the other table who happens to catch his eye, Lisa spots this:
LISA: Yes, it looks like you might be right, I can see you two are getting on famously already!!
OLLY takes offence to this and replies:
OLLY: Well….at least I’m not ……a……errr…….gay!
LISA: What – and I’m supposed to be?
OLLY: WEEEELLLLL, it’s obvious ain’t it (as he shifts back and forth, re-adjusting his tie)
LISA: Pathetic! (Lisa talks to her soup)
MAISON: OLLY, leave it out will ya – what do you reckon on those two opposite us – the two Goons from Goontown!!
MAISON refers to two toffs, big buffoons drinking whisky from big glasses!
OLLY: Yeah – ok then. Get dessert out the way and watch the master in action. It will be more fun than sitting next to this little lemon!
OLLY pulls a face as if he’s just sucked on a raw lemon and Lisa sees this and carries on eating. TARQUIN is ignoring all of the activity opposite him with MAISON and OLLY and is chatting about rugby, Hong Kong and public school with his chums.
TARQUIN: Ah, yes. I agree – a public school education sets one up for a life in the city. I see these graduates from a common background and they just can’t cut it – I put it all down to my School Master, Mr Butler – so what if he joined in the showers and made us run around the field naked at 7 in the morning – that’s what makes us have this hard skin, both in business and pleasure
All the toffs laugh/quaff – MAISON:
MAISON: Prick!
OLLY: I bet they weren’t laughing when he made them do ‘special homework – know what I mean!!
MAISON: Ha ha – I thought one of ‘em was sitting funny
Both MAISON and OLLY start laughing out loud and the toffs shut up and look at them blankly. There are three of them all sitting together now. Paul Pingley, Edward Banton and TARQUIN
BANTON: Sorry chaps, how rude of us – we never caught your names?
OLLY: Hi, I’m Roger, Roger Eton!
MAISON: Hi, people call me Buster!
PINGLEY: Well jolly nice to meet you both – did you enjoy the film? Sarah here found it frightfully dull, there was no spiritual interaction between the main characters and she thought the whole idea of monkeys controlling the human’s quest for self-expression all far fetched.
OLLY: It was a film about monkeys – that’s all. F***ing lighten up chump!!
PINGLEY: Oi, hold on here – I don’t mind some heated de-bate but cut the filthy language, especially in front of the ladies.
MAISON: Well, perhaps the ladies had better leave then, if they’re that f***ing offended!
MAISON takes one of the girls hands to escort her off from the table and steals one of her rings with his slight of hand.
TARQUIN: OK, OK, calm down – how about we all leave? (referring to the toffs and the ladies)
OLLY: What, we not good enough for you? Did us ‘monkeys’ not give you the deep and meaningful conversation you wanted? Ooo, ooo ooooo oo oo o o (monkey impressions)
One of the toff girls, Sarah Larding, notices her ring has gone and shouts:
SARAH: My ring? It’s gone!
TARQUIN: It was him – he had his hand on her hand – I saw him take it whilst you were arguing – you bloody thief!
TARQUIN storms across the top of the table and goes for MAISON – MAISON side steps and TARQUIN stacks it. MAISON whispers to OLLY:
MAISON: I thought I told him not to act like a prick?
MAISON looking at TARQUIN:
MAISON: You looking for this?
MAISON shows him the ring and hands it back then TARQUIN gives it to Sarah:
SARAH: I never even felt it taken off my hand.
PINGLEY: Yeah, well just be more careful in the future – look, how about you go and put it back on, get yourself looking pretty again and mingle with a few of the actors – take Stephanie with you and we’ll meet you both in a minute. We’ll just tidy up everything here.
SARAH: Ok then, don’t be long, my Boo Bear!
OLLY: BOO BEAR! BOO MONKEY more like!
MAISON to TARQUIN:
MAISON: No-one’s ever seen me do that trick before – how did you spot it?
TARQUIN: Coz you looked like a thieving b*stard from the moment I saw you, and I used to dabble in a bit of magic in my younger days.
MAISON: Oh really, a big shot then eh? Well how about we see if you can work out my next trick, but this time let’s make it a bit more interesting than just you falling ass over tit across the table!
TARQUIN: You’re on – what’s the stake?
MAISON: Your shoes vs my shoes.
TARQUIN: My shoes? These are £500 Gucci’s.
MAISON: Fierce…and mine are £200 Nike’s!
TARQUIN: Alright then!
MAISON does a magic trick (coins in hands trick, then guess which hand) TARQUIN guesses the left hand.
The scene cuts to MAISON explaining to TARQUIN in his bedroom before the premiere that the ball will be in his left hand
TARQUIN: The left hand
MAISON: Very good, very good indeed!
MAISON: How about your two mates? – do they want a piece of the action? I like the look of his watch oh, and also his shoes!! We’ll match it with his car keys (OLLY’s), an Audi TT, - oh and my shoes again!
Banton whispers to TARQUIN:
BANTON: You seem to know your stuff – do you reckon we could shut him up, win his car and get them to leave? This watch is worth £25K alone – I wanted to impress the ladies you see.
TARQUIN: Yeah, if that’s his best trick then I’ll know his whole range. Stick with me and I’ll give you the answers.
Banton to MAISON:
BANTON: Alright then – bring it on, Chimps!
MAISON: OLLY – fierce go to work!
OLLY does the best trick ever with a plate by smashing it in two then asks how many pieces there are: TARQUIN doesn’t have a clue, as this one wasn’t rehearsed with OLLY, and he wouldn’t have had a clue anyway, but guesses!
TARQUIN: Errr…2?
OLLY then magically puts the two pieces back together and says:
OLLY: Close…but not close enough!!
TARQUIN: Sorry boys – I’ve never seen that one before.
Banton and Pingley look at each other, shake their heads and concede defeat.
MAISON: Thank you ladies – anyone wanna know what the time is?
OLLY: Is it ten past Gucci? (as OLLY puts on the Gucci shoes!)
MAISON and OLLY leave the premiere – TARQUIN stays on to make it look authentic.
MAISON: This is worth at least £25K (MAISON holds up the watch) – I remember seeing one in a jeweller’s shop window – exactly the same
OLLY: Well, what can I say – ‘now that’s magic’ (Paul Daniels catchphrase)
OLLY and MAISON carry on laughing and staggering about the streets
OLLY: I’m off to Stringfellows – you up for it?
MAISON: Naaa, I’ll get this lot home safely then read some exotic material before going to bed.
OLLY: Laters then, you w**ker!
OLLY goes off to Stringfellows to carry on the festivities whilst MAISON gets in a taxi home. On the way he phones up Emily Armstrong, feeling very confident with himself he thinks why not – she answers:
EMILY: Hello?
MAISON: Hi Emily, it’s Lee.
EMILY: Sorry, who?
MAISON: Lee from the other night in the pub, you’d just split from Dave?
EMILY: Oh yes, sorry Lee – I’ve just woken up!
MAISON: Oh right, I didn’t realise the time (as he looks at the watch he’s just won) I was wondering if…. you…. if you fancied going out again for another drink? just me and you this time, so hopefully you won’t have to see BRODY’s ass!
EMILY: OK then, Wednesday?
MAISON: Yeah sure – I’ll pick you up at 7?
EMILY: Do you know where I live?
MAISON: Yeah – I think I remember you saying the other night?
Scene cuts to MAISON hanging outside her house in his car, watching her go in and out with the shopping when she was with Dave – MAISON used to go round there sometimes if he was passing, just to catch a glimpse of her
MAISON: Well, see you then, and er…. sweet dreams!
MAISON puts his mobile down, high fives the Cabbie – and says:
MAISON: Take me home, and don’t spare the horses you big fat ‘high fiving’ Mr Cabbie B*stard!! WAHOOOO!!
Both of them start laughing!
end of scene 11
scene 12
DENNIS on countdown
Everyone is in the pub, watching DENNIS on Countdown:
MAISON: This is unbelievable. I’m embarrassed
The camera shows DENNIS scribbling down, and also an 11 year old contestant scribbling down whilst the clock counts. DENNIS tongue is moving round his lips to show his high level of concentration. Richard Whiteley asks the 11-year-old girl, Candice Dell:
RICHARD: So Candice, you seem to be flying at the moment – how did you get on that round?
CANDICE: 9…numbskull
MAISON in the pub:
MAISON: She’s taking the p*ss!! I don’t believe it – on national TV she’s actually taking the p*ss!
RICHARD: And Dennis, can you equal that?
DENNIS: Err, 4………bums!
The entire pub breaks out in laughter, the two goons who check the dictionary on the show can’t believe it and Richard says:
RICHARD: Yes??….bums……??? .and that makes it 64 points to 6 in Candice’s favour with still two rounds to go………
MAISON turns the TV off:
MAISON: I can’t watch no more – he was supposed to be on that show for 2 weeks and get a £10K pay packet. Instead he lasts 30minutes and ends up looking like a £10K numbskull!!
OLLY: Are you sure he passed his degree? I know I wasn’t there to see it but you did say they gave him his degree, didn’t you?
MAISON: It beats me son, it really does. BRODY, I hope next week you’ll try and not embarrass yourself quite so much on Who Wants to be Millionaire – I don’t want them having to change the title to ‘Who Wants to be beaten by an 11 year old!!’
BRODY: No worries MAISON – I won’t be phoning up DENNIS to help me out!
MAISON: I’ll make sure he switches his phone off – just in case!!
end of scene 12
scene 13
MAISONs date with emily
MAISON picks up Emily from her house – he has a second hand Punto and has spent all day cleaning it – it took 4 hours, especially when he came across some old ‘magazines’ he had stashed away in the boot!
MAISON: Hi, you look gorgeous.
EMILY: Thanks – you don’t look too bad yourself.
MAISON looks at the floor, embarrassed
MAISON: So, you feeling energetic tonight?
EMILY: Excuse me?
MAISON: No, I mean for the date – look, forget I said that - all will be revealed, trust me!
MAISON opens the door to his car. They’re both talking in the car on the way there:
EMILY: So, where are you taking me tonight then?
MAISON: Well, if I remember correctly you’re a Chelsea fan?
EMILY: ………and still am!
MAISON: Well, how’s about two tickets to the Champions League decider?
MAISON gets the two tickets out of his top pocket and hands one to Emily
EMILY: You star – COME ON YOU BLUEESSSSS !
MAISON: Chelsea Chelsea, Chelsea Chelsea!!
Both MAISON and Emily are smiling at each other in the front seat of the car and you see them driving off still singing, towards the game. At the game MAISON finds himself in the hardcore section of the Chelsea ground, with the crowd swearing and being aggressive towards the opposition. MAISON apologises to Emily about their behaviour and language, she then stands up and joins in the crowd singing:
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(Pages 1-55 show above.)