An Open Letter To Parents About Sex and Your Kids
by Robert Lubrican
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2010 Robert Lubrican
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is free, and you may share it with anyone you care to. You are encouraged to show it to friends and acquaintances who have children. The only thing you can’t do is republish this work and call it your own. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Foreword: When I first wrote this, and sent it out to a test audience, just about everybody said "For pity's sake don't publish this! They'll come looking for you with tar and feathers!" The "they" mentioned there means conservative, right wing, perhaps even evangelical types. But they have kids too, and their kids get pregnant out of wedlock too, though I won't mention the most famous one, or even give clues like "she's a dandy dancer, by the way." No, instead I think I'll just take the chance that suggesting a new way of parents approaching "The birds and the bees" with their children might lead to some dialog. And I think that's a good thing.
And if you don't happen to be a parent, please read this anyway. I guarantee you that you know some parents, and I'm willing to bet cash money that if you give this to them it will start that dialog. Maybe not with their kids, right away, but you never know. This falls under the category of "If it saves one kid from making a terrible mistake, then it was all worth it."
Even if I get tarred and feathered.
Bob
******
Dear Mom and Dad,
You don't know me, but your children might. I hope not, but then, I have reason to believe it's possible.
Here's the deal. I'm an author. I write what is euphemistically called "Erotica" and post it on the internet at adult sites. Some of it is even for sale at various e-book outlets. What you'd probably call it is "Smut" or maybe "Porn". They're stories about sexual fantasies, and every site I post them on has a clear warning that the site is for only adults. Suffice it to say that, in my fantasies, young women get pregnant by older men.
I won't give you my pen name here, because I actually want your kids to read some of this. You'll understand why in a bit. But I don't want them to google my pen name, and find my books and stories.
So, if I'm one of those evil perverts who has perverted fantasies, why am I writing an open letter to parents everywhere?
The other day, I got an email from a woman who, quite by accident, found what she called "a substantial number" of my stories, stored on her seventeen year old daughter's computer. She was upset.
I can understand that. I'm a father too. I haven't abused my children, and I'm happily married to a woman I've never cheated on in over thirty years. I've never engaged in a single thing, such as I write stories about. As a father, I completely understand why she objects to her underage daughter reading my stories. I object too.
Before you go off on a tangent about self righteous perverts, think about this. We have cars. We don't let our kids drive cars until the age at which we hope they're mature enough to do it safely. Because some twelve year old steals a car and drives it is not a reason to ban all cars. Stay with me here, because I'm on your side, as hard as that may be to understand right now. Keep reading.
In our society (North American) we teach our kids all kinds of things and make them take tests before we let them do things like drive a car, or operate certain machinery, or provide child care or any number of other things that are "important" in terms of educating them.
We don't do that with sex, by and large. What we do with sex is say "Don't do it!" When they learn to masturbate, we yell "Don't to that either!" We don't explain it to them. We don't teach them. We don't tell them stories about our own sexual awakenings, and the horror that it may have been. Instead, we let their friends "teach" them, and try to pretend that they aren't interested in sex at all. We even go so far as to say "Wait until you're married," but then when they get engaged, we don't give them any pointers at all on what to do ... or not do ... on their honeymoon. We let them make all kinds of horrible mistakes, and pretend it never happens.
Some places have what is laughingly called "sexual education" classes in school. What that usually actually amounts to is the message "Don't do it!" along with the rationalization comprised of "You'll get pregnant!", or "You'll get a disease!", or "You'll screw up your whole life!" or some other scare tactic.
Come on, people. Did that work with you? Based on the teen pregnancy statistics for the last three or four decades, it did not work. Why you want to believe it suddenly will work is beyond me. And while we're at it, let's all make sure they can't get a condom in school, because that would most definitely make them think sex is okay, right? If we don't let them have condoms, then they won't have sex! Right! And the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny are real too!
They're going to think about sex, folks. They just are. Get used to that idea.
So ... what to do?
My suggestion is talk to your kids. I'm not talking about the birds and the bees. Their friends actually have that part down pretty well. I'm talking about recognizing that there is a biological imperative in every one of those sweet kids that eventually screams at them to explore sex ... to experiment with sex ... to have sex. You know what I'm talking about, because it happened to you.
You have lots of wisdom about sex, and it was very hard-won wisdom. If you're in a long term, committed relationship, you know a heck of a lot about what makes good sex, and what makes bad sex, and what, eventually, may end up making no sex. And if you think it's normal to end up having no sex, because the sex drive dies, Hugh Hefner may want to argue with you about that. There are a surprising number of incidents in nursing homes that revolve around sex drives too.
But that's later. We're worried about right now. Right now, you have the golden opportunity to pass on the wisdom you've gained at such cost, and maybe make your kids lives better ... and safer.
I already hear you saying "But nobody talks to their kids about sex, and certainly not about how to have good sex!"
Remember they have friends. Their friends will happily tell them "Do this! The way to have great sex is to ....(put favorite sex act here). They're going to talk about sex to somebody, and if they can't come to you with real questions, about real feelings, they may go out on the internet to find some "nice young person" who will be most happy to talk to them about it, and who is actually my age and actually a pervert. He'll educate them. You can take that to the bank.
I also hear you saying "I certainly can't talk about sex to my kids. It's too embarrassing, and they wouldn't listen to me anyway."
Imagine this scenario. You've gathered the family for one of your infrequent family dinners, and everybody is actually there. You calmly announce that, after dinner, you're going to answer questions about sex. Your kids perk up (and they will, believe me). Then you lay down the ground rules. They are:
1. Any question may be asked, or any subject discussed, and nobody will get yelled at.
2. You may decide not to answer some questions. That will depend on whether or not such an answer would provide age appropriate, or useful information. Say, for instance, your eleven year old daughter wants to know if Mommy uses a dildo. Not age appropriate. If your sixteen or seventeen year old daughter asks the same question, she's got a reason for asking, and you may want to have a discussion about that.
3. Any question you refuse to answer will be explained. Don't just say you won't talk about it. Say things like "You're eleven now. I'll be willing to talk to you about that when you're fourteen." Or sixteen or eighteen or whatever. The point is that your kids need to understand ... and believe ... that they really can ask any question, and that they'll get something in return, other than "Don't do that!"
4. Any question you don't have an answer for will be researched (by you) and you'll get back to them.
******
Any time your answer has to be "Don't do that!" you need to be able to articulate why whatever it is isn't a good idea. "You'll get pregnant" isn't what I'm talking about here. In that situation, a discussion of finances, living arrangements, relationships, abortion issues and the like - everything that would have to be faced, and all the decisions that would have to be made if a girl gets pregnant, would be laid out so that "pregnant" actually means something to a youth, and can be visualized in terms of how it could affect the near future. Make an actual list on paper. You can make that go to two or three pages easily if you think about everything. Believe it or not, there are young girls out there who think that having a baby will solve problems, instead of creating them. That's primarily because they have no inkling of what it takes to be a new mother, and raise a child, possibly alone, with an incomplete education. You know all this stuff, and can explain it, either with your own life story, or that of a relative, or friend or even just by laying out the issues. And simply saying "Our religion forbids that" probably needs more backup too. If a kid asks about incest, they need to understand why incest doesn't work ... why it is banned. Saying "It's a sin" doesn't really resonate with some kids. Understanding that there are biological genetic problems, and that, even though they didn't have the science way back in the Old Testament, when incest was practiced, they still figured it out, because the New Testament changed the rules, is something that might stick in a kid's mind.
Trust me, folks, if you say you’re going to entertain questions about sex from your teenager, he/she will be there, if only to see if Mom and Dad will do anything else weird that night. And, they'll be curious. It's a starting point for something that should have been going on since they were ten or eleven. Even earlier, according to some child psychologists.
Why so early? Statistically, that's when kids first begin actually exploring sex. Scary, huh? ":Not my kids!" you say? That's what they all say, and most of them are wrong. Maybe you are too. You willing to take the chance?
Now, you say, this all looks great on paper, but I still hear you saying "I just can't do that!"
You are the parent. You decided to bring precious life into the world. Maybe you didn't "decide" Maybe you had an "accident". Maybe you went to a party, got drunk, and let nature take its course. Maybe you were raped, because you were at the wrong place, at the wrong time, or with the wrong person. Maybe your own life was so screwed up you don't want your kids to know about that. Who in the world is better prepared to explain how those things happen, and how they affect somebody's life? Maybe you adapted, overcame, and improvised, and are doing OK. That doesn't mean you want your kids to have to do the same thing. Besides, they know you're not perfect. If you ask them (and don't yell), you might get a whole list of the things you're not perfect about. Remember, don't yell. You want honesty in these things, even if it hurts.
You have gone through what they're going through. You've had your heart broken. If you're a woman, you were divested of your virginity. If you were a man, you may have been the one who divested someone of her virginity. Do you want your daughter to experience it the same way you did? If it was great, maybe you do, but she needs to know how to choose when, and where, with whom and how to make it like that. Was your defloration horrible? She needs to know how to avoid having the same experience. Are you the father of a daughter, and scared to death because you remember what you were like when you were young and on the prowl? Did you sow the kind of wild oats you don't want your daughter to harvest, or your son to sow too? You can explain to them why that wasn't a good idea ... how it hurt people ... how you wish you hadn't done that. If you've got a daughter, you know what guys will try with her, and she needs to know how to defend against that. Nobody can give her better advice than the big bad wolf, who has grown up and mended his ways. Just like it takes a thief to catch a thief, it can take a former predator to foil a predator.
It's quite likely that nobody at that first family meeting about "sex" will be very comfortable. You may think it's a disaster, or too late, or any of the other reasons for wimping out. But you are the adult. You are the parent. It's your job to teach them about sex, and, when they find out you mean that, they will listen.
They may argue. That's fine. At least there's a dialog going on ... a transfer of information, both ways, I might add. You may learn a few things about your kids that you had no idea in the world about. That's good too, because you need to know where they are, and what they're thinking.
The last place on Earth you want them finding out about sex from is my books and stories, or those of any of the thousands of others who write this stuff.
We smut authors aren't going away, and even if we did, you still need to be in control of your kids' sexual education. You can't do that if you don't get actively involved in their sexual lives. They have sexual lives, folks. That's a given. Every single one of them is interested in sex, and will eventually do something about that.
You need to do something about it first.
Now the good news is that you're parents, and you get to make the rules. But what you need to remember is that there are two reasons people obey rules. The first is they're afraid of the consequences if they get caught breaking them. The key phrase in that is "if they get caught". If they don't think they'll get caught, then the impetus to obey the rule is gone. If you're lax about curfews and rules, then your kids will believe they won't get caught. Remember - kids think they're invulnerable.
The other reason people obey the rules is because they respect them. A good rule, with a firm foundation that is clearly understood, will be followed whether or not there's anybody looking. The rule "Don't steal" is a good example. You can do the same thing with family "sex rules". If the kids understand the rule, and why it's a good rule, you don't have to watch them like a hawk.
Now, the first thing you'll hear from kids is "Why don't you trust me?" It isn't about trust. It's about nature. And when it does come to trust, it's the situation that's the problem. The child is at risk in the situation, especially if you're not sure they understand the consequences of the decisions they may make, based on the biological imperative. Talk that out, and you will know that they have the best, latest information, grounded in your morals, and your values, and based on something they'll respect.
Talk to them. Tell them about your mistakes, and what you learned from them. Sex is not a taboo subject for you to talk about with your children. Help them work through what they're feeling. Help them differentiate between fantasy and reality.
Now ... I said I wanted you to show this to your kids. If you want to show them what I wrote to you, that's fine. It might make it easier to get that first "sex talk" going. But, if not, I wrote something to them too. You can print this off and cut it out. Then you can either hand it to them (and be prepared for a very interesting conversation later) or leave it lying around where they'll find it (in which case they'll think you wrote it yourself - now won't that be a hoot.) Here's their part:
******
Dear Kids
You don't know who I am, I hope, but you may have gotten interested, at one time or another, in things on the internet that are supposed to be for adults. I'm what a lot of people refer to as a pervert. I write adult sex stories that get posted on the internet. You know the kind I'm talking about. You may even have seen one or two.
Sometimes people write to me to talk about those stories. The other day, I got an email from a woman who, by accident, discovered that her teenage daughter had a whole slew of my stories saved on her computer. She expressed some concern that her daughter seemed to be interested in young girls who were impregnated by older men.
I can understand that - the mother's concern, I mean. Not only that, I can empathize with her.
So, since I now know that people are reading my stories, who shouldn't be reading my stories, this is for all of you kids out there.
First off, don't frown like that. You are a kid. You may feel all grown up, but you're not. You may want to be all grown up, but you're not. You may think you have it all figured out, but you don't.
How do I know?
Easy. Most of us grownups haven't figured it out yet either. Why do you think there is so much divorce out there? You think it's because the adults are just too picky?
The fact is that complex relationships are difficult, and fraught with danger. Just look at your own best friend. Do things always go perfectly for the two of you? Of course not. In fact, over the years, you've probably had more than one "best friend". And you're not having sex with your best friend. At least I hope you're not.
And don't yell at me for making up stories that are perverted. I know you're familiar with the concept of "having sex". I know you think about sex. I know you're curious about sex. Some of you might even be thinking about having sex. I'm going to use some R-rated language, later on, in the interests of speaking plainly, but I know you're familiar with that too.
What you're not familiar with are the complexities of human interaction on the level where sex takes place.
How do I know?
Easy. Most adults aren't there yet either.
So, you say ... "How am I supposed to figure this out, if I can't explore and experience things?"
Here's a tip for you: Talk to your parents.
That's right. I mean those (hopefully) two, (probably) clueless, adults who strained and sweated and anguished over you as you came to the conclusion that the world revolves around you, instead of the sun. I'm talking about the people who sacrificed what they wanted, for your benefit. Hopefully I'm talking about the people in your life who haven't abused you, and are scared to death that something bad will happen to you. They've been living with that fear for a decade or more, and they know they'll be living with that fear for the rest of their lives.
"But they're clueless!" you gasp. "Nobody talks to their parents about ... sex!"
Wait! Think about that! Could we have possibly stumbled upon a key factor as to why nobody ever seems to be able to figure out this sex thing? Hmmmm.
What would the world be like if parents educated their own kids about the pitfalls of relationships? What if, as they filed their divorce papers, they explained to the kids exactly what went wrong ... how the love died ... how maybe it wasn't there in the first place ... how, quite possibly, it was all about sex when they started things up, and maybe not about love at all?
What if a girl was actually able to go to her mother and say "Mom, I'm really interested in this sex thing, and I think I want to try it. You've done that a lot. Got any pointers for me?"
*sigh*
No, that wouldn't work. There's no way a mother might actually be able to help her daughter understand the feelings inside of her, and how to deal with them. After all, Mom only had sex that one time ... right? That's why you're there. But she and Dad don't actually do the bump ugly any more. Ick!
Look, kids. You're not stupid, no matter what the test results from No Child Left Behind say. You know full well that your parents have taught you a hell of a lot about life already. You've watched them, and you've seen them make mistakes. They made a lot more of them long before you were born, and most of them learned from those mistakes. If you don't talk to them about sex, you're wasting a very precious resource that could make your life a great deal easier in the years to come.
"But they won't talk to me about sex!" you say.
You're probably right. Not at first, anyway. But I guarantee you that if you walk up to Mom and say something like "I really like Bobby, and I'm thinking he should be the guy to get my cherry," you'll get a dialogue going.
Yes, there will probably be some screaming and yelling at first. Yes, the law will be laid down, initially. But, if you approach it like the adult you think you are, and demand that they both teach you about the mistakes they made in their love lives ... are making in their love lives ... eventually you'll wear them down. Once the dialogue actually gets past the "I'm your Mother - That's why" stage, you might find out things that will save you from having to file all that nasty divorce paperwork some day in the future.
Don't try to learn about sexual relationships from stories written by people like me. We're dreaming. It's all fantasy, for us. And the ones who swear it's all true, and that everybody else should do what they did too are just those of us who are a brick shy of a load, or don't really care what happens to you, or anybody else. Hell, a lot of this stuff is just plain lies.
A word about your friends. If you know any dopers, you know they always invite people to get high with them. They tell you it's great, and fun and all that stuff. Why do they do that? Well, most likely, they don't really care whether you have that kind of fun or not. What they really want is for everybody else to validate what they are doing ... getting high. If everybody's doing it, they feel normal, instead of fucked up, like they (probably) actually are. They want to live in a fantasy world where drugs don't screw up your life, and everything is great. Your friends who try to get you to have sex are doing the same thing. They know it's stupid to have sex, but if everybody else is doing it, they can feel normal. Think of it like someone is trying to get you to be on Jackass. Do they really care what happens to you? Of course not. They want a cool video of some stupid fucker doing something nobody in his right mind would do, so they can make money selling the video.
These are your friends? These are the people you should trust? Yeah, right. They're trying to get you to live in a fantasy world.
But you're not living a fantasy. Your dreams should be of the future, not simply what you're feeling right now. Your life is real, and you can fuck it up royally if you make the wrong decisions right now.
How do I know?
Just look around. How many fucked up adults do you see around you?
Talk to them. Find out what happened to them, so it won't happen to you.
One more thing. For those girls out there who think a baby will solve a problem, or be "cool" ... those aren't good reasons to have a baby, OK? Life is precious, and a baby deserves a committed mother and father, who will raise that child in an atmosphere of love and respect. Your Uncle and brother aren't the best men to do that with. Your father's already taken, and if he's not, there's a reason. That married guy … the one who says such beautiful things and wants to teach you things? Ask him for his wife’s phone number, so you can get a reference first. See what happens then. Those guys don't love you. They just want sex for free. But there is a man out there, who will love you, and cherish you, and care what happens to you.
How do I know? Look around. There are ugly pregnant women everywhere, who are married and happy. I’m not being mean here. You’ve seen them. When you did, you’ve thought “Who in the world thinks she's sexy?” Well, somebody did. That’s part of the complex interpersonal relationship you don’t know about yet, that leads to love, and is about way more than just sex. Somebody loves her and looks forward to going home at night to be with her. There is a man out there for you. When you actually find that man, and fall in love with him, and are in a stable, committed relationship, then you can fantasize whatever you like as you go about creating new, precious life. Don't waste that on some guy who's just trying to follow his biological urge to scatter his seed around.
Stories on the internet - pictures too, for that matter - are all there to make money. People making money don't usually care what happens to you, as long as they get your money. Are those the kinds of role models you're interested in? You're curious. You've got questions. You feel urges. That's normal. It was normal for your parents too, when they went through it. You can get your heart broken, and learn things the hard way, and possibly forfeit the happy, normal life you could have had ... or you can talk to somebody who loves you, and can answer those questions, and guide you through the rough spots.
Leave internet porn alone until you're an adult, and can recognize the bald lies and hype, and bullshit when you see them. If you're wondering when that is ... when you'll be an adult ... you'll know when you get there because that's when you begin to realize how much you actually have left to learn.
Sincerely,
An Internet Porn Author